TRUMPET DECLARES WAR ON CAPE VERDE

As Hurricane Delta hit the United States, President Trumpet declared, “I am not going to take it anymore!” As the tenth named storm to hit the US this year made landfall, Trumpet blasted, “These hurricanes have all originated in Africa and I am not going to tolerate it any longer. Every time they strike Florida I have to cancel my golf game.”

Most of the hurricanes are spawned off West Africa’s coast near Cape Verde when hot dry Sahara desert winds meet cooler, wetter winds from the South Atlantic. “Unless the responsible African nations take suitable action to reduce these storms I will be imposing sanctions on Cape Verde immediately,” Trumpet declared.

When advised by his staff that hurricane formation was a natural phenomenon, not generated by human activity, Trumpet snapped, “I  will be sending my son-in-law, Jared (I Know Everything) Kushner to head up a task force to reduce the temperature of the Saharan winds and negotiate a stoppage to these destructive hurricanes.”

The fact that the US does not import anything from the Cape Verde island-nation did not deter Trumpet from his sanction threat. “If I can’t slap a tariff on something, then I will use my dark felt marker to delete them from the world map. See how they like that!”

VP DEBATE FLY IDENTIFIED

During last night’s Vice-Presidential Debate a fly-like object landed on the hair of Vice President Mike Pence for about two minutes. Sources close to the Democratic Party claimed that it was not an ordinary fly, but rather a strategic drone. 

The drone-fly, named Filbert, was flown into the hall when Pence’s    face appeared to glass over and he appeared more comatose than usual. Republican technicians used the fly to reboot the computer chip planted in Pence’s hair that was programmed with calculated responses to the debate questions. 

Technician, I.M. Honest, reported that with Pence’s rather plastic countenance, it is often difficult to determine if he is experiencing a technical short circuit or is just clueless. Unfortunately, with the time delay of two minutes, many of Pence’s subsequent answers to the moderator’s questions were not always in synch! 

The faulty computer chip was also responsible for Pence’s inability to stop talking even after being chastised to stop several times by the moderator. Filbert did not remain longer as it had an urgent message to return to it’s White House base to assist Donald with his TV remote which appeared to be stuck watching “Big Bang Theory” reruns.

TRUMP LIFTS TRADE SANCTIONS ON SLOVENIA

Don Trumpet has lifted the trade sanctions he recently imposed on Slovenia, the birthplace of his wife Melania, after a new bronze statue of Melania was erected to replace the wooden statue of her that was burned down by arsonists earlier this year.

Trumpet indicated, “The swift response to replacing the wooden statue of Melania, that was carved from a Slovenian tree, warms my heart.” Although the statue was considered crude and resembled a generic Smurf-like figure, Trumpet interpreted the quick replacement as a sign of Slovenia’s love not only for Melania, but also for himself.

“I only pray that they will soon replace the statue of myself that was also accidentally inflamed last year,” Trumpet commented. The nearly 26-foot high construction, erected last year in a village in Slovenia, showed Trumpet with his trademark hair style, blue suit, white shirt and a long red tie. His right arm and clenched fist were raised high like that of New York's Statue of Liberty.

“My understanding is that a local artist is working on a golden replacement for my statue but there is a slight delay in confiscating the gold rings and jewellery from the locals to be melted down.”

After the inexplicable destruction of the two statues, Trumpet immediately imposed a 20% sanction on the import of illicit pharmaceuticals, handguns and hair spray from Slovenia. “It is only fair to repay their kindnesses of replacing the statues with the removal of the tariffs,” Trumpet beamed! “Slovenians know how to love and show respect to their heroes!”

IS DOCTOR DEENA DONE?

It appears that the social media is attempting to topple Dr Deena Hinshaw, Alberta’s Chief Medical Officer from her pedestal. Since the start of the pandemic she has been the regular messenger regarding the status of the illness in the province. She has been highly commended for her professional, calm, and clear explanations of the ever-changing local Covid-19 scenario. 

Apparently, the faceless “experts” who comment on news items and issues are declaring war on Dr. Deena with a plethora of concerns:

• her presentations are monotonous
• she is looking wan and weary and needs to do something with her hair
• she is only a mouthpiece for Premier Kenney - i.e. a paid puppet
• how come she didn’t foresee the opening of school issues?
• she hasn’t explained how all of the contaminated masks and gowns of health workers are being disposed of.
• the gentleman “signing” for the deaf beside her is more energetic and entertaining.
• how come she begins each answer to a question with “So…?”
• how come she never wears the “Periodic Table” sweater anymore?

Faced with these condemnations from the public social media geniuses, Premier Kenney is on the political hot seat. Based on the seriousness of the allegations and criticisms, Dr Henshaw’s status as Alberta’s Public Health Rock Star may be in jeopardy. 

It is rumoured that the dynamic and inspirational Education Minister Adriana Lagrange might be chosen to waltz in and replace her.

BEERLIEVE IT OR NOT

A Calgary brewery is hoping to convince beer lovers that an ale made from municipal wastewater is tasty and safe. Village Brewery has teamed up with University of Calgary researchers and U.S. water technology company Xylem to create a limited-edition batch. The 1,600-can batch of Village Blonde ale is now on sale.

The water comes from the Pine Creek wastewater treatment plant by the Bow River in southeast Calgary. Partially treated water was run through an advanced purification system that involved

ultrafiltration, ozone, ultraviolet light and reverse osmosis.

Before being sent to the brewery, the cleaned water was tested to meet the rigorous standards outlined by Alberta Health and Safety. “With the right measures in place, alternative water sources, such as wastewater, grey water, rooftop collected rainwater, and stormwater, can be made safe for many potable and non-potable end-uses,” said a public health Inspector.

It is expected that a bevy of new breweries will now tap into this newly approved water source and many more tasty microbrews will soon hit the shelves. The most critical issue however will be selecting a catchy name for each new beverage as another local brewery found out this month.

Hell's Basement Brewery in Alberta unwittingly named one of its beers after the Maori word “Huruhuru” that is commonly used to mean pubic hair. The brewery which released its Huruhuru pale ale two years ago thought the word meant “feather!”

It is not yet clear whether blondes from local villages will be objecting to adorning the label of the ingenious new wastewater-based beer!

PS A true story!

PPS I have a case!

PPPS I will be sharing it with friends and family

TRUMP VOLUNTEERS FOR TRANSPLANT

Elon Musk has unveiled a pig called Gertrude with a coin-sized computer chip in her brain to demonstrate his ambitious plans to create a working brain-to-machine interface. "It's kind of like a Fitbit in your skull with tiny wires," the billionaire entrepreneur said on a webcast.“The interface could allow people with neurological conditions to control phones or computers with their mind.”

In his never-ending display of leadership, Donnie Trumpet, skipped about his Non-Circular Office chanting, “I volunteer, I volunteer, to be the first human recipient.”

Musk elaborated ”The chip actually fits quite nicely in your skull. It could be under your hair and you wouldn't know.”

“Then I’m the perfect candidate,” Trumpet beamed “It would be invisible under my golden hairpiece and I would be clueless.”

Musk revealed that the device consisted or more than 3,000 electrodes to monitor the activity of 1,000 brain neurons. “I am not sure that Trumpy would possess an adequate number of connection points to be an adequate recipient,” Musk responded.

Nancy P. suggested that if they could not do that procedure, then perhaps a straight brain-exchange between Gertrude and Trumpy would be an acceptable compromise! 

LICKING FINGERS TO BE ILLEGAL

It is becoming obvious that we are entering the world of the “New Name” for just about everything. Today’s latest entry is the racial slur game is the famous ski resort of Squaw Valley in Idaho,! It might be renamed, “Aboriginal Female Valley” or in order to offend no one, just call it Valley, Idaho. Master bedrooms in houses are now named primary bedrooms for obvious reasons. Our sensitivities to bias and discrimination against anyone or anything is becoming ridiculous.

The food industry has been hit particularly hard. The use of cartoon depictions of Negro men or women on brands such as Aunt Jemima Syrup, Uncle Ben’s Rice and Cream of Wheat packaging is just the beginning. A dessert like Eskimo Pies, Spic (!) and Span cleaner and the restaurant chain Sambos will all need to be rebranded or vanish. In fact, KFC is removing the slogan “finger-licking good” from its advertising as a precaution to spreading infections, including Covid.

To provide some assistance to the agency that has been assigned      the task of removing all possible offensive bias and discrimination I will propose that we change the following:

• the town of Black Diamond to Tarnished Diamond
• Ottawa Red Blacks Football Club to Ottawa Indigenous Afros
• the Paddy Wagon will become the Police Van of Irish Extraction
• recitation of “eenie, meenie, miney, mo” is verboten
• “verboten” is now also verboten due to its Germanic origin
• the Masters Golf Tournament will be referred to as the Tournament
• little black books will become  Freedom of Information Pads
• cigar store Indians will be called Indigenous Vaper supporters

Will we soon become so cautious that if we are moved to declare, “God bless you!” that we are forced to resort to, “ Yahweh, Shiva, Allah, Jehovah, Gitche Manitou or God bless you depending upon your religion of choice?”