BEERLIEVE IT OR NOT

A Calgary brewery is hoping to convince beer lovers that an ale made from municipal wastewater is tasty and safe. Village Brewery has teamed up with University of Calgary researchers and U.S. water technology company Xylem to create a limited-edition batch. The 1,600-can batch of Village Blonde ale is now on sale.

The water comes from the Pine Creek wastewater treatment plant by the Bow River in southeast Calgary. Partially treated water was run through an advanced purification system that involved

ultrafiltration, ozone, ultraviolet light and reverse osmosis.

Before being sent to the brewery, the cleaned water was tested to meet the rigorous standards outlined by Alberta Health and Safety. “With the right measures in place, alternative water sources, such as wastewater, grey water, rooftop collected rainwater, and stormwater, can be made safe for many potable and non-potable end-uses,” said a public health Inspector.

It is expected that a bevy of new breweries will now tap into this newly approved water source and many more tasty microbrews will soon hit the shelves. The most critical issue however will be selecting a catchy name for each new beverage as another local brewery found out this month.

Hell's Basement Brewery in Alberta unwittingly named one of its beers after the Maori word “Huruhuru” that is commonly used to mean pubic hair. The brewery which released its Huruhuru pale ale two years ago thought the word meant “feather!”

It is not yet clear whether blondes from local villages will be objecting to adorning the label of the ingenious new wastewater-based beer!

PS A true story!

PPS I have a case!

PPPS I will be sharing it with friends and family

TRUMP VOLUNTEERS FOR TRANSPLANT

Elon Musk has unveiled a pig called Gertrude with a coin-sized computer chip in her brain to demonstrate his ambitious plans to create a working brain-to-machine interface. "It's kind of like a Fitbit in your skull with tiny wires," the billionaire entrepreneur said on a webcast.“The interface could allow people with neurological conditions to control phones or computers with their mind.”

In his never-ending display of leadership, Donnie Trumpet, skipped about his Non-Circular Office chanting, “I volunteer, I volunteer, to be the first human recipient.”

Musk elaborated ”The chip actually fits quite nicely in your skull. It could be under your hair and you wouldn't know.”

“Then I’m the perfect candidate,” Trumpet beamed “It would be invisible under my golden hairpiece and I would be clueless.”

Musk revealed that the device consisted or more than 3,000 electrodes to monitor the activity of 1,000 brain neurons. “I am not sure that Trumpy would possess an adequate number of connection points to be an adequate recipient,” Musk responded.

Nancy P. suggested that if they could not do that procedure, then perhaps a straight brain-exchange between Gertrude and Trumpy would be an acceptable compromise! 

LICKING FINGERS TO BE ILLEGAL

It is becoming obvious that we are entering the world of the “New Name” for just about everything. Today’s latest entry is the racial slur game is the famous ski resort of Squaw Valley in Idaho,! It might be renamed, “Aboriginal Female Valley” or in order to offend no one, just call it Valley, Idaho. Master bedrooms in houses are now named primary bedrooms for obvious reasons. Our sensitivities to bias and discrimination against anyone or anything is becoming ridiculous.

The food industry has been hit particularly hard. The use of cartoon depictions of Negro men or women on brands such as Aunt Jemima Syrup, Uncle Ben’s Rice and Cream of Wheat packaging is just the beginning. A dessert like Eskimo Pies, Spic (!) and Span cleaner and the restaurant chain Sambos will all need to be rebranded or vanish. In fact, KFC is removing the slogan “finger-licking good” from its advertising as a precaution to spreading infections, including Covid.

To provide some assistance to the agency that has been assigned      the task of removing all possible offensive bias and discrimination I will propose that we change the following:

• the town of Black Diamond to Tarnished Diamond
• Ottawa Red Blacks Football Club to Ottawa Indigenous Afros
• the Paddy Wagon will become the Police Van of Irish Extraction
• recitation of “eenie, meenie, miney, mo” is verboten
• “verboten” is now also verboten due to its Germanic origin
• the Masters Golf Tournament will be referred to as the Tournament
• little black books will become  Freedom of Information Pads
• cigar store Indians will be called Indigenous Vaper supporters

Will we soon become so cautious that if we are moved to declare, “God bless you!” that we are forced to resort to, “ Yahweh, Shiva, Allah, Jehovah, Gitche Manitou or God bless you depending upon your religion of choice?”

KENNEY SOLVES ECONOMIC PROBLEMS

Alberta Premier Jason Kenney announced a major initiative to address the provinces economic woes brought on by the collapse of the oil and gas sector and the impact of the pandemic.

His announcement of a cabinet shuffle will achieve instant results - new names on the unemployment roles and confusion among the electorate. His brainchild however was the newly-created Ministry of Jobs, Economy and Innovation. It replaces the Ministry of Economic Development, Trade and Tourism which appears similar to replacing a bowl of Macintosh apples with a bowl of Spartan apples. 

Kenney reported, “There will be more changes coming. We are headed on the road to economic recovery.” Insiders are anticipating that the Department of Education will soon be replaced by the Ministry of Books and Learning and Alberta Health Services will be rebranded the Ministry of Infections, Injections, and Internment. 

When asked his opinion on the proposed new hyperlink railway proposed to link Edmonton to Calgary with a 1000km/hr train, Kenney responded, “Where is Calgary?”

NEW US ELECTION BALLOT DESIGNED

The US Democratic Party is proposing to design and implement a new ballot to simplify the upcoming Presidential Election. They are asking the Election Centre to mail a ballot to all eligible voters with a new format. Recipients of the ballots will be asked to mark an “X” either beside “Trump” or “ Not Trump.”

It was determined that adding the name of “Biden” might not be appealing enough to many voters. One official declared, “This is not an election between Trump and Biden, but rather between choosing Trump or not choosing Trump. It is not a choice between two individuals, but between re-election of the incapable incumbent or taking their chances on anyone else.”

Should the voters select the “Not Trump” option as the winner a new president will be selected from a list of nice guys candidates. The list of potential nice guys includes:

• Tom Hanks - who doesn’t like Tom?
• Anderson Cooper - he doesn’t need the money.
• Harrison Ford - Indiana Jones can come to the rescue again
• Michael Buble - he’ll change his citizenship and he can sing
• Barack Obama - will serve under an assumed name
• Joe Biden - how much harm can he do?

All ballot must be delivered to the closest neighbourhood school before October 1. The ballots will be collected by Amazon delivery services in order to take the pressure off of the US Postal Service and delivered them to 145 Point Drive, Calgary, Alberta. The results will be tabulated and announced on November 5 on Good Morning America!

And may it be a good morning, America! President Hanks does have a nice ring to it don’t you think?

TRUMP CHOOSES GOP CONVENTION SITE

Informed sources within the White House have confirmed that President Trump has selected the location to deliver his acceptance speech during the upcoming GOP Convention.

In addition, Trump declared, “My speech is going to be the most memorable political event of this century. I plan to mould it around a number of historical events that have shaped my great country.”

“I shall begin the spectacle by simulating the chopping down of a small cherry tree and, of course, stepping forward to admit my misbehaviour, as a display of my honesty and humility. Future generations will likely refer to me as “Honest Don.”

“I will speak from the steps of the court house in Trenton, New Jersey which was the destination in 1776 when George Washington so bravely crossed the frigid Delaware River in a small boat to attack the British Army.” It is anticipated that Trump will ceremonially cross the river in a Navy Gunboat dressed in the uniform of the Continental Army. Trump also chose to wear the tricorn hat rather than the stovepipe hat made popular by Abraham Lincoln. Trump commented, “My red MAGA baseball hat was given some consideration, but Kellyanne thought I might look silly!”

“I have taken the liberty to rewrite the Gettysburg Address to better reflect present times. I shall replace, “Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.” My own version will begin, “Three and a half years ago, a great man was elected to prevent a great nation from sinking into a swamp (which I will drain) and be dedicated to the notion that some men are created equal, more or less…

MASSIVE TUNNEL EXPOSED ON BORDER

Another manmade tunnel under the US-Mexico border has just been discovered. The 1300 foot-long tunnel runs from under a house in San Luis Rio Colorado, Mexico to an abandoned KFC restaurant in San Luis, Arizona.

The tunnel measured 3 feet wide and 4 feet high and was equipped with a fully developed ventilation system, water lines, electrical wiring, a rail system, extensive reinforcement and shoring, known to be commonly used in sophisticated subterranean tunnels.

Mexican officials are outraged with this obvious attempt to smuggle illicit materials and individuals from the US into Mexico. “We will not tolerate the Americans attempting to illegally ship hundreds and hundreds of boxes of KFC into our country. In Mexico we work hard at providing healthy and balanced tacos and burittos to our people and the infusion of deep-friend, cholesterol-laden chicken and french fries will not be allowed,” reported the mayor of San Luis Rio Colorado.

A number of Mexican tradesmen also complained that the US tunnels are shortchanging local electricians, plumbers and air conditioning companies by not allowing them to bid on contracts for tunnel construction. One local builder complained, “The Yankees already have a monopoly on the construction of border walls and now they want to corner the tunnelling business as well!”

It is rumoured that a contingency of Mexican workers are planning a protest this weekend in the streets of Phoenix, the capitol of Arizona, proclaiming “Mexican Tunnels Matter."

NEW TOXIC PANDEMIC EMERGING

A second major health crisis has reared its ugly head in North America. Two major celebrities, one Canadian and one American, have been accused of constructing and maintaining “toxic workplaces.”

Inside sources at CBCNews have claimed that, “Canada’s Governor General, Julie Payette, has created a toxic environment at Rideau Hall by verbally harassing employees to the point where some have been reduced to tears or have left the office altogether. "This has gone from being one of the most collegial and enjoyable work environments to being a house of horrors," said one government source.” It's bullying and harassment at its worst.”

Meanwhile, American talkshow host Ellen DeGeneres has been accused of operating a “workplace that was toxic and dominated by fear.” Some recently departed staff members made allegations of racism and intimidation on the show.

It is comforting to note that both Mr Trudeau and Mr Trump responded immediately to the potential spread of the toxicity. Mr Trump donned his face mask, sealed the doors to the White House, and erected a five square block barricade around it to maintain his social distancing from the masses. “I will not allow this insidious poison to seep into my White House to taint the friendly, fun-loving, cooperative work environment that I have created.”

Mr Trudeau immediately called in a Hazmat Team from the Canadian Centre for Nuclear Contamination as soon as he heard the word, “toxic.” “We will not only check the radiation level in Rideau Hall, but in the Houses of Parliament and in my underwear drawer. If the Roentgen count is too high we will evacuate the city. If my decision proves to be a mistake, I will be happy to apologize later on prime time TV”, he responded. 

ROSE GARDEN PLANS LEAKED

More details of Melania Trump’s new White House Rose Garden remodelling have just been leaked.

The Rose Garden will be organized along the lines of Disneyland, with four distinct adventure park themes. The Central area (Golfland) will include a nine-hole miniature golf course with twelve-inch diameter holes. Melania explained, “ Donnie gets quite upset when he misses a putt and that usually leads him to impose economic sanctions on some unsuspecting country the next day.”

A shark-shaped pond will be designed for anglers of every age to experience the thrill of fishing. Seaworld will feature metal-shaped fish and magnetic hooks to allow guests to catch their limit every day. “Donnie will be delighted,” Melania squealed.

A lavish gazebo in Horseworld will include a real carousel to entertain White House visitors. Apparently, Donnie prides himself on his equestrian skills and he loves to ride sidesaddle on his favourite plastic pony, named Stormy, after an old acquaintance.

Finally, there will be an outdoor patio area featuring a shooting gallery and an elixir testing station. Melania stated that, “Donnie will be offering a variety of Lysol shooters and cocktails just to prove the experts wrong.” The NRA has provided a wide range of the newest and most lethal automatic weapons for testing. All targets will be life size cardboard cutouts highlighted by multi-figures of Nancy Pelosi surrounded by other Democratic Senators. Donnie has already indicated that Frontierland park is his favourite component.

Melania is still undecided if she will be providing golden-orange plastic hair pieces to visitors or the standard Mickey Mouse ears as souvenirs after viewing the new enhanced Rose Garden!

WHITE HOUSE COUP COMPLETE

A major power shift has just occurred within the White House. Melania Trump has conducted a minor coup, in an attempt to show the world that the Trump family are not all completely incompetent. This week she announced that there would be big changes taking place at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Melania has declared that she will be revamping the White House Rose Garden initiated by the Kennedy administration in the 1960s.

Melania has expressed her frustration with the lack of leadership by her roommate and has grasped the reigns of power herself. She wanted to make a significant statement to indicate that she was a force to be reckoned with.

Mrs Trump indicted that other issues facing the world such as the pandemic, the Black Lives Matter movement, deteriorating global economies and increased civil unrest and anger would need to take a backseat until her flower garden renovation was completed. 

She indicated that the updates will include the addition of two new limestone walkways, electrical upgrades, a new drainage system (designed to drain political swamps), and the replacement of existing crab apple trees (complaints from the neighbours) with white rosebushes. Although her initiative was virtually ignored by most news outlets, it was featured in the current issue of Rose Gardens for Dummies!

SHANDRO'S DISMISSAL IMMINENT

Alberta Premier Jason Kenney has indicated that he is not pleased with the performance of Health Minister Tyler Shandro. A poll held by the Alberta Medical Association reported that 98% of its 9000 members have no confidence in Shandro’s ability to manage the province’s health care system.

Kenney was livid that two percent of the province’s doctors DID have confidence in Shandro. Kenney ranted, “We are a perfect province governed by a perfect Premier and I will not tolerate anything short of perfection. By allowing over 180 doctors to be happy with recent pay cuts and restrictions is a travesty. Our United Conservative Party is built upon total annihilation of all opposition and will not tolerate any alternative viewpoints.”

Kenney continued ,“Our government has successfully alienated all teachers and nurses, and our grab of private sector pension plans is a master stroke of my genius. My goal in life is to eventually be crowned king of the new province of Oilandgas and I will not accept anything less!”

In the meantime, Shandro apologized (in Trudeauian fashion) that he had not been forceful or offensive enough to subdue all doctors into accepting the government’s new pay plan. “I will try harder, he commented, “ and I will continue to try to meet the high standards set by Mien Fuhrer Jason.” He sharply clicked his heels and scuttled out of the room. 

ASTRONAUT HEROES ARRESTED

Yesterday, the spacecraft with astronauts Bob Behnken and Doug Hurley made a safe splashdown off the coast of Pensacola, Florida after a two-month stay on the International Space Station. On their arrival in Houston later in the day, President Trump had the two astronauts arrested immediately.

As Trump explained,“All air passengers arriving in my USA are required by my law to quarantine for 14 days upon arrival from flights outside the country. The two Americans, Bob and Doug, (not to be confused with the two Canadian beer-drinking comedians of the same names) were stunned when National Guard troops handcuffed them as they arrived in Houston.

Hurley tried to explain that he and Bob have been beyond the reach of the Coronavirus for over two months by living in space. Trump responded, “There are no exceptions to my rules unless you are a member of the Trump family or you admit to really, really, really liking me as a person.” 

Trump also indicated he would be calling on the Department of Homeland Security to interrogate the pair regarding their interactions with the Russian cosmonauts who were also living on the space station. There are unsubstantiated rumours that the Russians were asking a lot of questions about the upcoming US election.

“Bob and Doug can protest all they want,” Trump snorted,” but when they landed, they were neither social distancing nor wearing a face mask as they emerged from their spacecraft.” “I am and have always been totally  committed to defeating this pandemic, unlike the leaders in Brazil and Mexico, and I will continue to demonstrate the sterling leadership that my country deserves,” Trump explained. 

TRUMP STRIKES OUT AGAIN!

Baseball fans everywhere should prepare to watch the inaugural first pitch soon to be thrown by Donnie (the Dramatic) Trump. Donnie indicated that he would be throwing the opening pitch at a New York Yankee’s game sometime in mid-August. 

No one was more intrigued by the announcement than the management of the Yankees who knew nothing about the event. They had not invited him, but that did not deter Mr. Dramatic. Donnie had been floored to witness one of his arch-rivals in the pandemic wars, Dr. Anthony Fauci, throw out a first pitch at a Washington Nationals game this week. 

Fauci’s first pitch was only six-feet wide of home plate, but nevertheless, he was awarded accolades by the sporting world for his feeble attempt. In fact, Topps Corporation developed a Fauci baseball card that sold thousands in the first few days. 

It is reported that Donnie was outraged that Fauci received more media attention than he did during this first week of the restricted major league baseball season. Not to miss a promotional opportunity Donnie is reported to have been throwing crab apples at protesters outside the White House fence, in preparation. 

“No pandemic alarmist like Fauci, is going to have a better baseball card than I am going to get,” ranted Trump. “Mine is going to be very, very, very much more popular than his, Donald fumed as a crab apple struck Malania in the back as she was doing her morning yoga in the Rose Garden!

TRUDEAU FACES THE MUSIC, AGAIN!

Sources close to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau have indicated that he is well prepared for his appearance before the House of Commons Finance Committee today. He is faced with series of ethical questions regarding his association with the WE Charity group.

In preparation, he has visited his hair stylist, Monsieur Jerome, applied another Grecian Formula treatment to his beard, and shined the pair of old budget shoes given him by his buddy Bill Morneau for luck. He has been practising his sincere, yet casual responses to questions in front of his dressing room mirror with only a little prompting by his wife Sofie.

Apparently, the Kielburger brothers, who head the WE Charity, have signed an affidavit claiming “We do not know the man!” The video showing the brothers and Justin and Sofiie embracing on stage at a recent WE event, were stunt doubles, not the PM and his wife. 

Margaret Trudeau who was paid over $250,000 for speaking at numerous WE events swore that she didn’t know that she and Justin were related! Younger brother Sacha lamented “I am the invisible Trudeau and I don’t know why anyone is picking on me!”

Should Trudeau encounter any difficulty in answering the committees questions, he is prepared to respond with a tactical diversion that he has been using for months. He is prepared to announce a 50 billion dollar gift to support Inuit (formerly known as Eskimos) television programming and free rainbow coloured paints for any organization that wished to paint crosswalks on their local streets. 

One reporter indicated that he heard Trudeau softly humming “Old Man River” as he headed to the meeting!